What I Wish Women Knew About Sex
I love my work supporting women on their journey to a more fulfilling, free, and empowering sexual life. Through these journeys, I’ve noticed some important themes in the sex education women have missed out on. Over and over again I notice the same simple, but oh so important, bits of knowledge that women deserved to get but didn’t.
So here it is, my top five list of what I wish women knew about sex.
You have a right to pleasure. Women are often socialized to cater to others’ needs, so it’s no surprise this dynamic comes out in the bedroom, often focusing solely on their partner’s needs rather than on reciprocity. Socialization to be a “good girl” or “respectable” may also play into women not knowing it’s okay to want or explore pleasure. They may not even know it’s normal for women to have sexual desires. I wish women knew their sexual needs and desires are valid and valuable.
It’s okay to explore your body and discover what you like and don’t like. Women receive little education about their own bodies beyond that awkward middle school talk about birth control and your period. Or worse, they get shaming messages about what their bodies look or smell like. We need to feel empowered to educate ourselves about our bodies and fill in the gaps of the sex education we never received. Self-exploration through masturbation is a great way to begin to learn about your body and what you like.
It is normal (and common) not to have an orgasm through penetration. A recent study (Shirazi et al., 2018) found that only 21 – 30% of women, in a sample of 1478 women, reported they can orgasm during penetration without any clitoral stimulation. Also, when the same women were asked “what’s your most reliable route to orgasm” only 4% said penetration alone. We need to rewrite the sexual script and let women know that all forms of stimulation are welcomed, and often needed, for most women to reach orgasm. Sex should be redefined to incorporate a wide range of pleasurable activities.
The orgasm gap is b.s. Studies show over and over again that in women who partner with men, men are having far more orgasms than women during sexual encounters. Most likely, because both women and men believe the myth that penetration is the only (or ideal) route to orgasm. Your partner, whatever their gender, should be putting in the time and effort to learn what gets you there and be invested in your pleasure.
You deserve to communicate deeply with your partners. I’d love for us all to take a page out of queer culture and be prepared to ask and answer the question, “What are you in to?”. I’d be thrilled if we also borrowed another page out of BDSM culture and were prepared to ask and answer the question, “What are your limits and boundaries?” These questions set the expectation that there isn’t one sexual script we all follow, and communication about what partners actually do and don’t enjoy should be the norm.
I say all of these are wishes, as I know in reality these are really hard things to believe and practice. To feel empowered, know your own body, and communicate confidently with your partner is a tall order in a world full of misogyny and sexism. Systemic changes are needed to create a world where these wishes are normal and easy to accomplish.
While our society works towards systemic change, you as an individual can seek out sex-positive resources to help you on your journey of becoming more affirming of our own sexuality. Check out my programs if would like support on your journey.
Reference
Shirazi, T., Renfro, K. J., Lloyd, E., & Wallen, K. (2018). Women’s Experience of Orgasm During Intercourse: Question Semantics Affect Women’s Reports and Men’s Estimates of Orgasm Occurrence. Archives of sexual behavior, 47(3), 605–613. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1102-6
